Deep in the pit of my stomach I feel uneasy. Looking for the barf bag that’s not waiting in hand so I struggle to swallow my shame. Taking the blame for giving that moment a chance to give birth to a false sense of reality. Distorted colored glasses frame our eyes, convinced that what we see is what must be. But in our minds, in our bones, in our souls… we know the truth. One quite good at settling, afraid of being challenged on our level, I stick to what I know. Things that have endings are easy. Things that have infinite possibilities are what scare me. Afraid of the next step, I stand still, shivering on this stoop with you. Holding your hand, but not really. Wanting to let go but afraid I may fall into the darkness, never to be found again.
I take a breath. A sharp exhale leaves my mouth. I try to let go, struggling to pry your every finger from my hand, apart of my not wanting to let go, but all of me wanting to no longer feel what it is like to settle. I pray a silent prayer to Allah. Hoping. That he still loves me enough to forgive me for putting my trust in this man… that I should have put in Him.
Free. I feel free as the tears fall from my eyes as I wash the remnants of him off me…
The moment for a new beginning has passed. But it is never too late for a new middle… so that is where I shall start.
These are my thoughts. Until next time.