Mind crippling fear…

I’ve realized that new things terrify me. This is not something new that I have just stumbled upon. It is something that I discovered when I turned 20, my junior year in college when  my anxiety was through the roof,  I had just begun studying for the GRE, and I was overwhelmed with the decisions I had to make at the time.

The fear of the unknown. I hated it. I hated that bubbling feeling deep down in my stomach that felt like butterflies trying to force up my dinner, giving me the sweats and the chills at the same time, and that feeling when you are at the top of a rollercoaster and you have decided in that moment that you want to get off the ride. This is what fear does to me.

I graduated from Texas Tech University with a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology and a double minor in Legal Studies and Arabic in December of 2013, a semester early. I am supposed to be half way done with my Ph. D by now. But Allah and the 10 Ph.D programs that I applied for and didn’t get into, knew better. I was not ready. I realized that a few thousand dollars later, before my first rejection letter came in, that grad school wasn’t for me. Not just yet.

So I bought a ticket to Africa, praying that it would open my eyes to what I was supposed to do next. And it worked, kinda. I recieved a job offer while I was there. So I headed back to Lubbock, TX, the only other place I have ever lived aside from the city I was born and raised. I was happy, because I was going back to a place in which I was familiar.

I tried the whole grad school thing again, soon realizing that it was still not something I was ready for. Nor something that I wanted. I did it because people said, “Get a masters degree. It’ll be partially paid for. Just do it” So I applied, 3 weeks later I was accepted. 4 months later, I quit.

I have had ups and downs, but mostly growth in my position. 2 amazing years with such amazing colleagues, students, and friends.Especially the students. I took this job because like 2 of my most favorite people Shay & Doc say, #ChangingLives. In the division that I work for, we are in the business of changing lives, not realizing that our lives are the ones that are greatly impacted by the students that we serve.

I have had my tantrum and crying fits, and I have had time to console myself (my poor husband), but after submitting my letter of resignation 4 months ago, it still was not easy. Now that my students know, have had their fights with me, cried multiple times, determined that I am not allowed to go anywhere, given me the silent treatment, helped me pack my office, and given me the permission to move forward with my life without seeing their beautiful faces everyday, I feel comfortable in sharing it with everyone else. I have passed on the knowledge that I have to those who I am now entrusting my babies.

I have less than 3 weeks left with the most incredible souls I have ever had the pleasure to know. And my heart breaks everytime one of them gives them a dirty look, or hugs me, or starts crying, or hands we an early going away present, or simply walks into the office that is no longer mines. I am moving into the unknown and that sickening feeling that I first spoke about has started to make itself comfortable in the pit of my stomach. But after 2 months of reading self help books, listening to TedX Talks, discussing the possibilities to anyone who would listen, training my replacement and leaving my babies in capable hands, I can finally say that I am ready.

I am ready to embark on this new journey. I hope that I can use this platform to take everyone with me on this new journey. I am moving. And that is okay.

Insha Allah.

 

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